From Knowing to Becoming; Building my sensitive self

From Knowing to Becoming

Intellectually understanding and embodying are very different from each other.

We usually try to fight our emotions, instead of overriding them. How about listening to them?

The moments of disappointment.

Disappointment memory

Let me read myself and my emotions. Emotions are very irrational and very tough to predict, I think. I have to observe and name the emotion properly.

My friends and I went shopping. Actually, my friends and I share the same apartment, and we live like a family, supporting each other.

When we arrived at the grocery store, I immediately grabbed the avocados, the sourdough bread, and a few things I love most. Something bothered me, and I asked myself, "If I am only considering myself," and in that moment I grabbed a bottle of oil.

I knew we all need oil. Then a few questions started to murmur in my mind. Am I being altruistic, or am I being fake to survive?

Then we all returned home. Then I kept all my stuff inside the refrigerator and left a few things carelessly. It was not planned to keep it outside, or an attempt to punish my friends. Did not mind about it.

Then, when I went to the room, a sound from outside — a friend of mine said, "I don't know why you only look at your item." He said “that was the same thing you did in the grocery shop”. The other friend defended himself, and I kept quiet and started to think about what the emotion is that's going on when I got hurt.

And my friend was right to say that, and there's nothing wrong with that either.

Then I immediately remembered journaling, which paved the way to write this.

I don't know if what I did was right or wrong. But I am learning to protect myself from my own emotions.

Would love to know if this is a weird emotion that you also have felt,
Is this something you felt? When your nervous system was anxious.