To the Girl Who Hid Her Heart

I am writing this today to finally let out everything I’ve kept hidden in my mind for past ten years

I was just ten years old, my dad’s whole world. Even though he worked long, tired hours as a driver, he never came home empty-handed. Every single night, before he even changed his clothes or rested his feet over tea, he would make sure Mom, my brothers, and I all sat  in front of him to eat first. Just watching us smile over the little sweets he brought back was all the happiness he needed after a long day on the road.

On August 26th 2017, he brought home the jalebi I asked for, sat me in his lap, and watched us eat. Then he felt a sudden pain in his chest. We all thought it was just gastric—something simple a glass of water would fix. We had no idea it was a heart attack. Within minutes, he was taken to the hospital and never came back. The very last word he spoke was my name. Just like that, my world shattered.

 When Mom completely broke down, unable to accept that the love of her life was suddenly gone and my brothers stepped up to raise me like their own daughter, I made a choice. They never forced me to hide my pain. They never asked me to put on a mask. I did it on my own because I loved them so deeply, and because I saw how hard they were trying to make their happiness mine. I couldn’t bear to let them feel like they were failing. So I locked my tears away. I acted happy every single day to protect the people who were trying so hard to protect me.

Whenever I saw other dads showing love to their daughters, my heart secretly ached. I craved that exact love again—the warmth of his lap, the comfort of his evening treats, the feeling of being someone's absolute princess. But I suffered that ache completely alone, hiding it all behind a smile so no one else would break.

For ten years, I put everyone else's feelings ahead of my own out of pure love. But today, I am letting it all out

I’m giving myself permission to admit the truth out loud: I missed my dad with every single piece of my heart. I craved his love, I missed being his princess, and I was hurting just as deeply as everyone else.

His very last breath was spent speaking my name. Even after ten years, I still find myself wondering what he was trying to tell me in that final second. Was he trying to say goodbye? Was he asking me to stay strong, or was he just reaching out for his favorite girl one last time? The mystery of those final words breaks my heart, but it also reminds me that out of everything in this world, I was the very last thing on his mind.

My dad's love will always live inside me, and my brothers’ sacrifices kept our world going when everything fell apart. Even now, ten years later, they still treat me like their little princess, loving me and taking care of me just like he did. Knowing I was the very last thing on my dad's mind brings me a peace I’ve missed for a whole decade. I don't have to keep hiding my pain to protect the family I love so much. Today, I am laying that heavy mask down, honoring the little girl who stayed strong for everyone, and finally letting myself heal.

With all my love,Your younger self