My Dear Mother

My Dear Mother,

My friends call me strong. They tell me that I am well educated.
They have seen me play sports, and they appreciate me.

They are very kind people, Mama.

But, deep inside, I am still in need of your hug, Mama.

I love you, Mama.

Even if I come back to Sri Lanka,
I know I can never hug you again.

Mama, do you remember?

You fried a whole chicken for us on the day I wrote my scholarship exam.

Do you remember how you would always point out the University of Peradeniya whenever we went to Kandy?

Umma, do you remember taking us to the Engineering Exhibition?

Do you remember taking me to Colombo to see me do Abacus?

These memories are still somewhere inside me.

I love you, Mama.

I still need you.

Sometimes I wonder, why did you have to leave me alone?

You left me when I was only thirteen, Mama.

I wish I could have one more hug from you.

Just one.

Mama, do you remember how you stayed with me when I was admitted with typhoid?

You were there, burning the oil lamp and praying for me.

When a dog bit me, do you remember how you stayed close to me?

Mama, do you remember my hernia surgery?

I was fasting before and after the surgery, and you fasted with me.

You shared my pain.

It might sound like a small thing, or even nonsensical to someone else.

But now I understand.

You were showing me love, Mama.

Maybe I did not know how to recognize it then.

Maybe I did not know how much you loved me.

But you were there.

You were there when I was sick.
You were there when I was hurt.
You stayed close when I was afraid.

Truly, you were a strong woman, Mama.

And now, when I look back at those memories, I can see your love in them.

But Mama, I still cannot forget those last few days.

You were admitted to the hospital, and you were in a coma.

They told us that a blood vessel in your brain had burst.

Mama, during those days, there wasn't a single day when I didn't cry.

Do you know, Mama?

Even now, after all these fifteen years, I still shed tears when I think about you.

I love you, Mama.

I remember your funeral.

I remember the days afterward.

I would run to Ishak Uncle and hug him.

I think I was looking for somewhere to belong, Mama.

I needed someone to hold me.

I needed to feel that I still belonged somewhere.

Mama, I am sorry.

Sometimes I feel like I never got the chance to give anything back to you.

But now I understand that you never asked me for anything in return.

You were my mother.

You loved me.

And I was your son.

Mama, I need you.

I need a long hug from you.

A hug where, for a moment, I don't have to be strong.

Just one, Mama.

May Allah forgive you, shower you with His mercy, and grant you Jannatul Firdaus.

I love you, Mama.

Your son.